Joe Biden's Oscar Predictions

If you didn't see this clip, it's a good place to start. Fortunately, we cornered the vice-president outside on the red carpet to get the rest of his Oscar predictions. Here's what he had to say in our exclusive interview.

FACETWITCH: Vice-president Biden! Mr. Vice-president! Can we have a word?

BIDEN: Sure, champ. Look at all these movie stars. It's almost like being at an Obama fundraiser, don't you think? Of course, they make me wait in the back so I don't ask for too many autographs, but Jill gets to go... Oh, I just saw, oh, what's his name, Dick something, big star.

FACETWITCH: Dick Van Dyke? Van Patton?

BIDEN: No, what's his name? Ugh, um.. Dick Caprio! That's it. From the uh, um, the sinking ship movie. I feel like the title is right on the tip of my tongue. Just the other day, Rahmbo was saying, um Rahm Emanuel, geez, and his brother is here somewhere... he was just saying our administration was going down like that ship in that movie.

FACETWITCH: I believe you are referring to Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic.

BIDEN: Titanic! That was it. I saw it in 2D. That's how I see most movies, because I don't own the glasses. Which is a shame, because that Avatar movie, I hear that it's world class in 3D. Geez, I hope the awards show isn't in 3D.

FACETWITCH: No. It's in 2D, sir. But you did actually see Avatar, right? You weren't fibbing to Andrea Mitchell?

BIDEN: What, are you kidding me? Are you messing with Joe? Don't mess with Joe! I saw it alright. I was embarrassed I forgot the title. In fact, President Obama has asked me to see more movies, especially during the day when he's busy, and then bring him back my review. A very important vice-presidential duty, I'm told. So I brought him my notes on Avatar and I said, you know, champ, it's about Iraq and Afghanistan and imperialism. I think. But maybe not, because it's also in outer space and set in the future.

FACETWITCH: Did you give the president any advice based on the movie?

BIDEN: Of course. I told him we have to get our hands on this unobtanium before the corporate rapists. And I said if we send more troops overseas, we can't cut down the magic trees. Or whatever the magic trees are in Afghanistan, because I don't think they have trees, per se. It's a country about as ugly as Elena Kagan. I kid, she's terrific. And I love the moving picture shows so, um... and this science fiction thing is really wild. Who comes up with this stuff? Back in my day, it was either Star Trek or the Twilight Zone. You either liked one or the other. And then you joined a gang based on either show and got a nickname... Anyway, the main guy in Avatar, um, isn't he a cripple? That's right. And the minute he got in that blue dinosaur suit or whatever, I said Stand up! Stand up, Chuck! Let me see you. And he stood up, and I said, oh, God love you!

FACETWITCH: Is Avatar still your pick to win Best Picture tonight?

BIDEN: Without a doubt. Some people are saying that other Iraq movie, ugh, um, what's it called, it has the kid with the explosives... I saw them on Larry King the other night.

FACETWITCH: The Hurt Locker?

BIDEN: Yeah, that's it, champ. But I don't think it will win. It didn't have the big effects and it didn't have a strong political message, it didn't feel like we were apologizing for the hell we created over there before Barack Obama and I got elected. But let's face it. Iraq could be one of the Obama administration's greatest accomplishments. And I can only imagine how much better it would have been if they had followed my advice and divided it into three separate countries.

FACETWITCH: Your Iraq predictions have been so crazy and wild, they're almost as much fun as your Oscar picks. Who do you think will win Best Actor?

BIDEN: Yeah, for best actor, um, ugh, the Baker Boy. The one from Tron. That's Al Gore's favorite movie. Did you know that?  Not quite up to the Avatar in my opinion, but to each his own. Of course, Al Gore won an Oscar for the Inconvenient Truth after he stepped down as vice-president.

FACETWITCH: You're not threatening to make a movie after you lose your next election?

BIDEN: Well, you'll have to talk to Rahm's brother about that. We're in negotiations. But Inconvenient Truth I believe it, um, won Best Picture?

FACETWITCH: Actually, it won Best Documentary, which might be worse given the lack of data that's come out backing AGW.

BIDEN: Well, it was a hell of a film. Changed my life. Got me behind that global warming thing and now I'm vice-president. You want to talk about predictions, well who would have predicted that?

FACETWITCH: Not me, sir. But you were saying your prediction for Best Actor?

BIDEN: Right, Lloyd's kid. He played the drunk country singer. Man, that was convincing. Of course, I don't drink. I can only imagine. But Barack still invited me to the Beer Summit. Maybe we'll invite Lloyd's kid next time and he can share a non-alcoholic brew with me.

FACETWITCH: You're talking about Crazy Heart?

BIDEN: Crazy heart, crazy head, crazy talent. That's Beau Bridges. What a sport.

FACETWITCH: I believe you mean Jeff. What about Best Actress?

BIDEN: Geez, um, ugh, how many categories are there? Who's up? I don't even know. That chick from Avatar is pretty good, but was she even real? Of course, if you ask me, that new Star Trek with the young kiddos, it was a grand ole time. You know some people in the media have referred to me as Captain Kirk and President Obama as Spock. What do you think of that, champ?

FACETWITCH: It's certainly an interesting visual. I'll let you go inside, Mr. Vice-President. Good luck, tonight. You look fabulous. Who's the designer?

BIDEN: Aw, hell, he's gonna kill me for forgetting... ugh, um, what's his name--

FACETWITCH: Oscar de la Renta? Ralph Lauren? Jean Paul Gaultier?

BIDEN: I'm gonna say Al.

FACETWITCH: Does he have a last name?

BIDEN: I don't know. Over at Al's Formal Wear. I have it rented until Tuesday.

Avatar: Worst Movie of the Year Glorifies Environmental Extremism

Avatar is the biggest, blandest, least original story to come out of Hollywood in years, with one dimensional characters, cliched action movie dialogue, and a banal lesson about the environment that makes Al Gore's eco-worship seem restrained by comparison. In other words, it's a sure bet to win the Oscar for best picture.

The bulk of the movie takes place on the faraway planet of Pandora. Or maybe Pandora is a moon. It doesn't matter. What matters is Pandora is lush and inhabited by beautiful, colorful creatures that bring to mind snorkeling amidst a coral reef in the Caribbean. And who would want to harm a coral reef? The film uses that psychology to its advantage, manipulating us to root against our pale species in the vivid alien world. After all, if the creatures looked like the bugs in Starship Troopers, you'd be cheering on a weaponized can of raid. And we can't have that.

In the first act of the film, writer/director James Cameron presents us with three types of characters: a primitive forest-living native people, a group of dedicated human scientists, and military/security personnel who work for a giant corporation seeking to mine a profitable mineral called "unobtainium." Needless to say, you don't have to be a contestant on Deal or No Deal to figure out which group will be portrayed as the villains. The mineral is said to be an allegory for oil, although the value of the mineral as a resource is never explained (does it provide energy or heat homes or make up plastics that save lives?) We're given no backstory.

Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably become accustomed to Hollywood and the Left obsessing over the evils of capitalism, painting corporations as ruthless and greedy plunderers who will do anything for a profit (see Michael Clayton.) Avatar is no different except this might be the first movie that actually treats living in a cave as a more noble aspiration than exploring the far corners of the universe (a message Osama bin Laden would surely endorse.) To boldly go where no man has gone before? That's no longer politically correct. Someone inform the Trekkies they are now considered an occupying force.

It takes some kind of ego to raise over $300 million to make the most expensive film in the history of moviemaking and spend it bashing the excesses of capitalism. Then again, that's James Cameron for you. Perhaps he and Michael Moore have been shopping for private jets together. It should also be noted that his giant film crew invaded the faraway, pristine world of New Zealand (for the tax breaks) to shoot this monstrosity. Although I'm sure no trees or animals were harmed in the process.

I'll admit that Avatar is an amazing looking piece of cinema, especially in 3D, but unfortunately the only way to enjoy the magical world is to turn off your brain. Try not to note the irony as Hollywood, who will do anything for a buck, preaches a heavy handed message against the evils of corrupting a culture for monetary gain. I guess we're supposed to believe all thoseSaw and Jackass movies were striving for high art.

The primitive aliens presented in the film couldn't be flatter. They have no character flaws to speak of (even their bodies are drawn in svelte, model-like proportions, with six pack abs and figures that starlets would kill for) and live in perfect harmony with each other. No infighting, no disease, no outside enemies other than greedy capitalists. Apparently, no politics either. They literally live like angels in heaven. And they're bilingual! Everything in their tribal world is perfect until the "evil white man" enters the picture.

We've seen this story before, but never has a native population been presented as such a flawless, idealized culture, nor their world so heavenly. There is no nuance here, because that would interfere with setting up the straw man, which turns out to be us, the human race. White human race, I might add. Meanwhile, the native people live in hammocks and pray to spiritual trees, which we are assured really are magical because they are illustrated in a way that leaves no doubt.

Avatar revels in new age mysticism and nature worship. No longer is tree hugging enough. Tree worship is required to convert the last of us into the eco-friendly movement. It's like The Secret on steroids, with superstition usurping traditional values and refuting the idea of a Judea/Christian God. Of course, we all know that the green movement has become a cult. And an acceptable one to the Oprah/Obama crowd. James Cameron's movie is literally a recruitment film for environmentalism. Cut down enough "spiritual trees" and the capitalists will face their day of reckoning. In the end, the natives unite with the scientists and fight off the evil, imperialist humans before they can create a welfare nanny-state. Okay, not exactly, but wouldn't that have made a much better and more relevant picture?

In Avatar, saving trees is the number one priority. And if that means killing people, so be it. We're all ecoterrorists now, right? This film comes dangerously close to glorifying environmental extremism. Of course, it's hard to take this message seriously from the suburban wasteland of the multiplex, with forty screens and not a tree in sight. But someone will. Someone always does. And that's the danger of the mythology that James Cameron has created here. No matter how poorly it's done.