"Once abolish God and the government becomes the God." -G.K. Chesterton

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Joe Biden's Oscar Predictions

If you didn't see this clip, it's a good place to start. Fortunately, we cornered the vice-president outside on the red carpet to get the rest of his Oscar predictions. Here's what he had to say in our exclusive interview.

FACETWITCH: Vice-president Biden! Mr. Vice-president! Can we have a word?

BIDEN: Sure, champ. Look at all these movie stars. It's almost like being at an Obama fundraiser, don't you think? Of course, they make me wait in the back so I don't ask for too many autographs, but Jill gets to go... Oh, I just saw, oh, what's his name, Dick something, big star.

FACETWITCH: Dick Van Dyke? Van Patton?

BIDEN: No, what's his name? Ugh, um.. Dick Caprio! That's it. From the uh, um, the sinking ship movie. I feel like the title is right on the tip of my tongue. Just the other day, Rahmbo was saying, um Rahm Emanuel, geez, and his brother is here somewhere... he was just saying our administration was going down like that ship in that movie.

FACETWITCH: I believe you are referring to Leonardo Dicaprio in Titanic.

BIDEN: Titanic! That was it. I saw it in 2D. That's how I see most movies, because I don't own the glasses. Which is a shame, because that Avatar movie, I hear that it's world class in 3D. Geez, I hope the awards show isn't in 3D.

FACETWITCH: No. It's in 2D, sir. But you did actually see Avatar, right? You weren't fibbing to Andrea Mitchell?

BIDEN: What, are you kidding me? Are you messing with Joe? Don't mess with Joe! I saw it alright. I was embarrassed I forgot the title. In fact, President Obama has asked me to see more movies, especially during the day when he's busy, and then bring him back my review. A very important vice-presidential duty, I'm told. So I brought him my notes on Avatar and I said, you know, champ, it's about Iraq and Afghanistan and imperialism. I think. But maybe not, because it's also in outer space and set in the future.

FACETWITCH: Did you give the president any advice based on the movie?

BIDEN: Of course. I told him we have to get our hands on this unobtanium before the corporate rapists. And I said if we send more troops overseas, we can't cut down the magic trees. Or whatever the magic trees are in Afghanistan, because I don't think they have trees, per se. It's a country about as ugly as Elena Kagan. I kid, she's terrific. And I love the moving picture shows so, um... and this science fiction thing is really wild. Who comes up with this stuff? Back in my day, it was either Star Trek or the Twilight Zone. You either liked one or the other. And then you joined a gang based on either show and got a nickname... Anyway, the main guy in Avatar, um, isn't he a cripple? That's right. And the minute he got in that blue dinosaur suit or whatever, I said Stand up! Stand up, Chuck! Let me see you. And he stood up, and I said, oh, God love you!

FACETWITCH: Is Avatar still your pick to win Best Picture tonight?

BIDEN: Without a doubt. Some people are saying that other Iraq movie, ugh, um, what's it called, it has the kid with the explosives... I saw them on Larry King the other night.

FACETWITCH: The Hurt Locker?

BIDEN: Yeah, that's it, champ. But I don't think it will win. It didn't have the big effects and it didn't have a strong political message, it didn't feel like we were apologizing for the hell we created over there before Barack Obama and I got elected. But let's face it. Iraq could be one of the Obama administration's greatest accomplishments. And I can only imagine how much better it would have been if they had followed my advice and divided it into three separate countries.

FACETWITCH: Your Iraq predictions have been so crazy and wild, they're almost as much fun as your Oscar picks. Who do you think will win Best Actor?

BIDEN: Yeah, for best actor, um, ugh, the Baker Boy. The one from Tron. That's Al Gore's favorite movie. Did you know that?  Not quite up to the Avatar in my opinion, but to each his own. Of course, Al Gore won an Oscar for the Inconvenient Truth after he stepped down as vice-president.

FACETWITCH: You're not threatening to make a movie after you lose your next election?

BIDEN: Well, you'll have to talk to Rahm's brother about that. We're in negotiations. But Inconvenient Truth I believe it, um, won Best Picture?

FACETWITCH: Actually, it won Best Documentary, which might be worse given the lack of data that's come out backing AGW.

BIDEN: Well, it was a hell of a film. Changed my life. Got me behind that global warming thing and now I'm vice-president. You want to talk about predictions, well who would have predicted that?

FACETWITCH: Not me, sir. But you were saying your prediction for Best Actor?

BIDEN: Right, Lloyd's kid. He played the drunk country singer. Man, that was convincing. Of course, I don't drink. I can only imagine. But Barack still invited me to the Beer Summit. Maybe we'll invite Lloyd's kid next time and he can share a non-alcoholic brew with me.

FACETWITCH: You're talking about Crazy Heart?

BIDEN: Crazy heart, crazy head, crazy talent. That's Beau Bridges. What a sport.

FACETWITCH: I believe you mean Jeff. What about Best Actress?

BIDEN: Geez, um, ugh, how many categories are there? Who's up? I don't even know. That chick from Avatar is pretty good, but was she even real? Of course, if you ask me, that new Star Trek with the young kiddos, it was a grand ole time. You know some people in the media have referred to me as Captain Kirk and President Obama as Spock. What do you think of that, champ?

FACETWITCH: It's certainly an interesting visual. I'll let you go inside, Mr. Vice-President. Good luck, tonight. You look fabulous. Who's the designer?

BIDEN: Aw, hell, he's gonna kill me for forgetting... ugh, um, what's his name--

FACETWITCH: Oscar de la Renta? Ralph Lauren? Jean Paul Gaultier?

BIDEN: I'm gonna say Al.

FACETWITCH: Does he have a last name?

BIDEN: I don't know. Over at Al's Formal Wear. I have it rented until Tuesday.

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