Obama: I'm Not a Doctor, but I Play One on TV

President Obama stepped out on the mound Wednesday night and delivered another bouncing throw that fell short of the plate. True, the All-Star Game was last week, but his attempt to pitch health care to the American people during a nationally televised press conference didn't fare much better.

Here's Barack "Doc" Obama explaining his version of state-controlled health care to the American people:



Woops, okay, that was during last year's campaign trail. But honestly, tonight's performance wasn't anything to brag about. And liberals have the nerve to make fun of Sarah Palin?! I've heard Paula Abdul make more sense.

I don't have to tell you President Obama isn't a doctor, nor does he have the support of most doctors in this country, though a few organizations run by lobbyists who represent the lawyers who work for some hospitals have gotten behind parts of the bill. Big win for the people there! However, the president can't help but play a doctor on TV.

What was on Doc Barack's mind this time? Tests, too many of them. We have to eliminate all those tests! That's right, waiting room patrons, Doc Barack can save us a whole bunch of money and speed up our treatment time if we just stop trying to verify our diagnosis.

"They're going to have to give up paying for things that don't make them healthier," the president said. "And I, speaking as an American, I think that's the kind of change you want."

Anyone who is a nurse or has watched Mystery Diagnosis on the Discovery Health Channel (TV for hypochondriacs!) can tell you that it's hard to diagnose a patient without running tests. Of course, some tests measure different things, so you might have to send your blood sample to a couple of different labs. And some tests might show different things on different days. So the specialist orders up more than one. But Doc Barack knows better. Those tests are expensive, and if he tells you it's just your asthma keeping you from breathing and there aren't enough hospital beds, you'll get your "breathalyzer" and go on your way.

See now, that's practicing efficient socialized medicine, because the goal of national health care isn't health care per se, it's saving the government money! And there's nothing like doing your part to help the government save money by skimping on your health care so they can spend trillions in kickbacks to big business, political cronies, and special interests. Right before taxing you to death.

Doc Barack also took some time to answer questions during the press conference - eleven of them total in nearly 55 minutes. Does this guy love the sound of his own voice or what? Nevermind giving an ipod to the queen with his speeches on it, I'm convinced this guy listens to his own bloviating while he works out to his shuffle every morning (yes, that was for all you O'Reilly premium subscribers).

In one question in particular, strutting the stuff of his fine medical training pedigree, the president dealt with the tricky issue of diagnosing a sore throat:

"If you come in and you got a bad sore throat. Or your child has a bad sore throat...," the president suggested, "the doctor may look at the reimbursement system and say to himself, you know what, I make a lot more money if I take this kid's tonsils out. Now that may be the right thing to do. But I'd rather have the doctor making those decisions based on whether... the tonsils need to come out... to change... maybe they have allergies, maybe they have something else that will make a difference."

As you can probably guess, that was off-teleprompter. What does that have to do with his plan? I guess it means you have to have a really, really good excuse with approval of a bureaucratic board to get your tonsils taken out (more via Gateway and Hot Air). But more importantly, your doctor can't sell those tonsils on the black market. Then Doc Barack explained the difference between red pills and blue pills.

"If there's a blue pill and a red pill," the president posed theoretically, "and the blue pill is half the price of the red pill and works just as well (as the red pill), why not pay half price for the thing that's going to make you just as well?"

One Pill, Two Pills. Red Pill, Blue Pill. Turns out there is a doctor inspiring all this policy. It's health care by Dr. Seuss. In President Obama's mind, it really is that simple. Everyone gets blue pills! We just cut health care costs in half. The deficit will disappear in no time. If Barack's my doctor, I'm looking to get a second opinion. But I believe the president's following quote might sum up his true intentions best.

"Can I guarantee there are gonna be no changes in the health care delivery system? No. The whole point of this is to encourage... changes."

Well, you can't say he isn't trying to deliver on his campaign promises. Change! Even if it means changing your current health coverage, your current treatments, and your current doctor. Even if you don't want it. Sounds like state-controlled, rationed, government takeover of health care to me.