"Once abolish God and the government becomes the God." -G.K. Chesterton

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Golf on TV? There's a Nap for That

I don't even have to be tired when I turn on the Masters coverage. If it's on TV, even if I'm drinking a venti java chip frappaccino with a hit of speed, I will immediately fall asleep. It's like when some people have to use the bathroom the minute they hear water running. What is it about this event and watching golf in general that lulls me into slumber land? Is it the whispered commentary in British and faux British accents? What other sport takes place on American soil in which we are treated to over-enunciated words in soothing, foreign accents? This is practically hypnosis. If only they could whisper golf tips over and over again while I dreamt.

"You are Tiger Woods... You are Tiger Woods... Keep your left arm straight... Now go buy some Nike and don't pick up a bimbo."

Does anyone really watch a golf tournament? I mean pay attention to it, try and focus on the whole thing like it's the Super Bowl or March Madness? When you go to work on Monday and everyone asks, "Wow, did you see that shot by Mickelson on the sixteenth hole?" you can almost bet they didn't. They were asleep on the couch as were you. But fortunately, it got played back a hundred times by CBS and ESPN so no matter, you just pretend you saw it live. I mean the TV was on. Doesn't that count?

Without fail, my eyelids grow heavy every time. I admit the game has a certain soothing rhythm when televised - a hush grows over the crowd, everything is silent except birds chirping in the background, followed by the loud whack of a golf club, usually leading into the soft applause of the polite golf clap only to fade to silence once again, birds chirping, another hole and the occasional awwwwwww from a disappointed gallery. Plop. That one must have hit the water.

I've got the Masters on right now and I'm not sure I can finish this sentence without yawning and assuming the napping position. Honestly. They should have golf tournaments at night. Think of all the insomnia that could be cured by televising this at two in the morning. What a great idea! Of course, you might lose some balls and scores would be higher. On second thought, maybe insomniacs should just TIVO it.


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